Monday, May 14, 2007


On the one occasion that I met Ken's Aunt Janice, we spoke of her writing articles for the local parish newsletter.

Shane: So what happened?
Ken: My mum and Aunt Janice were in the kitchen. I was sitting at the breakfast bar, checking emails. Janice was trying to persuade mum to go with her to buy a new carpet.
Shane: Is this one of your more dramatic stories?
Ken: It's 'particular' - just listen. Mum wanted to stay at home.
Shane: Ah - conflict, tension - very dramatic.
Ken: Stop being tedious.
Shane: Caaaaalm - deep breaths dear.
Ken: Well, far from it actually.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: One of Janice's female dogs - a 'popular pedigree' - had pissed on her carpet and made the house smell... like concentrated dog piss.
Shane: Not good.
Ken: Not good. Mum wanted to look into whether further pissing might occur -
Shane: I imagine it usually would.
Ken: - or whether there might be a cheaper way of removing the smell. Apparently, when a bitch is on heat it makes for noxious piss.
Shane: This is not an appetising story.
Ken: I left them with the laptop to search for advice. A few minutes later there was a shriek. I ran down to find mum looking rattled and panic-closing lots of pop-up adverts!
Shane: (silent pause) Am I being slow?
Ken: You are. Let's put it this way - there are some search engines for which veterinary and cleaning advice are not high on the hit-list for 'bitches on heat'.
Shane: Eh?... Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh!
Ken: Mm. Janice squeaked 'Did you see what they were doing? Did you see what they were doing?' as mum muttered swear words.
Shane: Triple-embarrassing.
Ken: And I can't be sure that my sainted aunt understood that what she'd come across was not down to the very particular orientation of my laptop. She later told me that I ought to 'get that thing fixed'.
Shane: Technology, eh?
Ken: (sigh) Mm.

I wondered whether Janice still wrote for the newsletter.


Zinnia Cyclamen said...

And, if she did, I wonder WHAT she wrote!

Huw said...

I hate it when my searches return the wrong sort of bitches on heat.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"get that thing fixed." Funniest line of the week. Janice ought to get that right into the church bulletin.