Sleep, Sleep Tonight
.
So you see, when I can't sleep, I think things like this:
.
'The alphabet - as places, with each letter/place combo also featuring the letter that is two ahead in the alphabet. Go!'
.
Accrington (begins with A, also features C - which is two on from A)
Bedford (B and D)
Carlisle
D... Darfur
Easington
Fishguard
Grimsby
H... (In practice, my mind would wander here and I'd fall asleep whilst wondering if there might be a place called Hijack (there isn't)).
Ingleby Barwick
J... Jerusalem
Khartoum
London
Morocco (repels impulse to feel a bit sad)
Naples
O... No.
Peterborough
Queensland
Rotherham
Sunderland
Tel Aviv
Ullswater
Vauxhall... I think that's a place. I know it is. Perhaps the sort of place where people Operate Tridently (that's the nicest way that I can put it).
Wayne County
X... No.
Yokohama (begins with Y, and we're back to A)
Z... No.
.
Then, the next day - for a fleeting moment, I'll wonder why I couldn't sleep. Whilst the problem begins to be processed, it's useful knowing that the short-term solution lies somewhere between Grimsby and Ingleby Barwick.
.
Unrelated I: I'm reading What Was Lost, by Catherine O'Flynn. Though I'm only a quarter of the way in, there's already something compelling about the structure of the narrative. There's also something that feels horribly familiar about some of the less fortunate characters' lives (that's a work-related thing).
.
Unrelated II: I'm watching the Patrice Chéreau film, Intimacy, in 10-minute chunks. So far, I'm 10 minutes in. I'm hoping that it's not going to leave me feeling hollow and with a dull ache in my gut... Sometimes... Actually, no.
.
Showing posts with label Ken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ken. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Listing
Y' mean like...
Pre-Christmas:
We coughed, sneezed, some did worse. We drove up to North Yorkshire, spent time in a cabin in the Cropton Forest (cabin fever?), shared germs with some of the Wexford clan, returned to the Midlands ahead of Christmas Day.
Christmas-New Year:
Respite, and recovery time. On Christmas Day afternoon, I drove up to the north east to see the bloods. Boxing Day was excellent. All of the Wexford clan headed for Sedgefield racecourse - a crisp sunny day, undulating hills proffering gorgeous distant silhouettes of horses and riders as they turned from the back straight for home. And some of us were net winners - good thing.
New Year:
Has begun well - I've broken the back of a couple of really finicky tasks that I'd been putting off for a while. Alex is good - a nonchalant return to school, on the back of a good break with the paternal clan (good people), and a rejoinder with the maternal-plus clan. Emma has returned to the coalface, following a month-long break. Her next proper break is expected to be in June.
Work:
Have received communications this week from a couple of people who I'd not heard from in a while. Seems that some old projects have lived longish in the minds of some - pleased about that. Otherwise, otherwise.
Leisure:
Disappointed that Brother Wexford was unable to visit this coming weekend, for a chilly trip to Wolverhampton races. Alex has his birthday next week. A trip to the Tamworth Snowdome will feature as part of the general hurrahness of that. Alex is unambiguously a middle-sized boy, now. His most recently amusing escapade was his devising of a bath-time Water Helmet:-
- Fill jug with water
- Slam it up-turned onto own head
- See how long it takes for all water to drain from the jug - noisy, splashy, funny
The youngster suggested that I wasted yesterday by working - I '...should have gone sledging' - even though I '...would have looked weird' as the lone adult sledger about town. Elsewhere, I may have just fallen out of love with Burton Albion.
Just before Christmas, a pal gave me the graphic novel, 'V for Vendetta'. Before this, I was prejudiced against graphic novels - lots of pictures for nerdy people who can't read proper books. But it's really very good.
Sharing:
I quite miss a few things and people - Ken included. I hope he's ok.
I've got quite a few lines around my eyes, now. I don't mind this.
I really should make time to replace the car. It's beginning to look 'characterful'.
You (highlights):
Just before Christmas, I received a real treat - a Christmas card from Gene - trans-Atlantic wit and wisdom - what more could be wished for.
Thirty years ago, Pat had a date, then made some big decisions.
I'm hoping for good things for LB (recently articulated healthy perspective on stuff that's a bit shit) and The Hen (recently articulated healthy perspective on that posho who's the new Doctor Who).
If I was Prime Minister (which would be a bad thing), then Tim would be my Secretary of State for Provincial Englishness (which would be a good thing). His sole brief would be, 'Get people to see and hear beauty in the taken-for-granted'. I think he'd be good at that.
C had to grim it out a bit through the latter part of 2008. Reading her can be a bit like reading pinball. Brace brace - she's dating.
Zinnia is taking a blog-writing break. I will email her after hitting the 'Publish Post' button.
Huw and Beth have said enough to make me think that I'd really like The Wire (and it's a HBO Series, and they commissioned The Sopranos - so it must be good, mustn't it?). But I haven't got the time...
Meanwhile - that rare thing - a recently spotted blogger who I'm inclined to read. In mid-December, I met Meanwhile, as ladies undressed in the background.
Then there's Esther... or is there.
Blogging and Other Writing:
Some will happen.
Patience is a virtue.
Wagon Wheel is a biscuit.
It's snowing - real proper flakes - like what we used to get, when I was a kid.
Pre-Christmas:
We coughed, sneezed, some did worse. We drove up to North Yorkshire, spent time in a cabin in the Cropton Forest (cabin fever?), shared germs with some of the Wexford clan, returned to the Midlands ahead of Christmas Day.
Christmas-New Year:
Respite, and recovery time. On Christmas Day afternoon, I drove up to the north east to see the bloods. Boxing Day was excellent. All of the Wexford clan headed for Sedgefield racecourse - a crisp sunny day, undulating hills proffering gorgeous distant silhouettes of horses and riders as they turned from the back straight for home. And some of us were net winners - good thing.
New Year:
Has begun well - I've broken the back of a couple of really finicky tasks that I'd been putting off for a while. Alex is good - a nonchalant return to school, on the back of a good break with the paternal clan (good people), and a rejoinder with the maternal-plus clan. Emma has returned to the coalface, following a month-long break. Her next proper break is expected to be in June.
Work:
Have received communications this week from a couple of people who I'd not heard from in a while. Seems that some old projects have lived longish in the minds of some - pleased about that. Otherwise, otherwise.
Leisure:
Disappointed that Brother Wexford was unable to visit this coming weekend, for a chilly trip to Wolverhampton races. Alex has his birthday next week. A trip to the Tamworth Snowdome will feature as part of the general hurrahness of that. Alex is unambiguously a middle-sized boy, now. His most recently amusing escapade was his devising of a bath-time Water Helmet:-
- Fill jug with water
- Slam it up-turned onto own head
- See how long it takes for all water to drain from the jug - noisy, splashy, funny
The youngster suggested that I wasted yesterday by working - I '...should have gone sledging' - even though I '...would have looked weird' as the lone adult sledger about town. Elsewhere, I may have just fallen out of love with Burton Albion.
Just before Christmas, a pal gave me the graphic novel, 'V for Vendetta'. Before this, I was prejudiced against graphic novels - lots of pictures for nerdy people who can't read proper books. But it's really very good.
Sharing:
I quite miss a few things and people - Ken included. I hope he's ok.
I've got quite a few lines around my eyes, now. I don't mind this.
I really should make time to replace the car. It's beginning to look 'characterful'.
You (highlights):
Just before Christmas, I received a real treat - a Christmas card from Gene - trans-Atlantic wit and wisdom - what more could be wished for.
Thirty years ago, Pat had a date, then made some big decisions.
I'm hoping for good things for LB (recently articulated healthy perspective on stuff that's a bit shit) and The Hen (recently articulated healthy perspective on that posho who's the new Doctor Who).
If I was Prime Minister (which would be a bad thing), then Tim would be my Secretary of State for Provincial Englishness (which would be a good thing). His sole brief would be, 'Get people to see and hear beauty in the taken-for-granted'. I think he'd be good at that.
C had to grim it out a bit through the latter part of 2008. Reading her can be a bit like reading pinball. Brace brace - she's dating.
Zinnia is taking a blog-writing break. I will email her after hitting the 'Publish Post' button.
Huw and Beth have said enough to make me think that I'd really like The Wire (and it's a HBO Series, and they commissioned The Sopranos - so it must be good, mustn't it?). But I haven't got the time...
Meanwhile - that rare thing - a recently spotted blogger who I'm inclined to read. In mid-December, I met Meanwhile, as ladies undressed in the background.
Then there's Esther... or is there.
Blogging and Other Writing:
Some will happen.
Patience is a virtue.
Wagon Wheel is a biscuit.
It's snowing - real proper flakes - like what we used to get, when I was a kid.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Oswald
I met my old chum Ken, as he passed through the Midlands on a work-related mission. There was catching up to do and work to discuss.
New to me, the pub seemed humble. New to me also, Ken's hair appeared nothing short of lustrous - it had been a while since our last get together, such is our way. The pub landlord - a happy man - struck me as someone who had been struck, his smile not overly populated with teeth or the golden glow of good health. Still, Ken and I rolled the foody dice and placed an order.
With lunch gone (though not quite off), caught-upness having been achieved, and a work plan hatched, I rose to make for the loo. Rather suddenly, Ken seemed to become discomfited. 'That sandwich', I assumed. But no...
Ken: Ah.
Shane: You ok?
Ken: Yes. You going to the loo?
Shane: Yeah, I think we should go separately though.
Ken: No -
Shane: What?!
Ken: - no - I mean, yes - not that.
Shane: What?
Ken: Well, I remembered, er, you have to go out the back to get to them -
Shane: No problem.
Ken: - no, er, there's a sign -
Shane: There usually is.
Ken: - but it's a bit, well... you'll see.
I went to the loo and en route I spotted the sign:
Returned:
Shane: Well there you go.
Ken: Mm.
Shane: Nothing to wake the mind like some old skool racism, eh. The brewery must be proud.
Ken: It used to hang out front.
Shane: Mm. Back yard discretion a measure of progress?
Ken: Too generous - the landlord nearly just coughed a lung up into the peanuts on the bar.
Shane: Grab your handbag, dear, we're leaving.
New to me, the pub seemed humble. New to me also, Ken's hair appeared nothing short of lustrous - it had been a while since our last get together, such is our way. The pub landlord - a happy man - struck me as someone who had been struck, his smile not overly populated with teeth or the golden glow of good health. Still, Ken and I rolled the foody dice and placed an order.
With lunch gone (though not quite off), caught-upness having been achieved, and a work plan hatched, I rose to make for the loo. Rather suddenly, Ken seemed to become discomfited. 'That sandwich', I assumed. But no...
Ken: Ah.
Shane: You ok?
Ken: Yes. You going to the loo?
Shane: Yeah, I think we should go separately though.
Ken: No -
Shane: What?!
Ken: - no - I mean, yes - not that.
Shane: What?
Ken: Well, I remembered, er, you have to go out the back to get to them -
Shane: No problem.
Ken: - no, er, there's a sign -
Shane: There usually is.
Ken: - but it's a bit, well... you'll see.
I went to the loo and en route I spotted the sign:
Returned:
Shane: Well there you go.
Ken: Mm.
Shane: Nothing to wake the mind like some old skool racism, eh. The brewery must be proud.
Ken: It used to hang out front.
Shane: Mm. Back yard discretion a measure of progress?
Ken: Too generous - the landlord nearly just coughed a lung up into the peanuts on the bar.
Shane: Grab your handbag, dear, we're leaving.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Caution
As Alex added a motorway extension to our chalked Treasure Island (on the patio), Emma and I ate pie:
Emma: You haven’t said much about the weekend.
Shane: Did I miss something?
Emma: No, but I thought you’d be scrutinising Ken and Ellie, what with their…
Shane: With their…?
Emma: Well, she clearly likes him.
Shane: I like him.
Emma: (pause) You trying to tell me something?
Shane: No. I’m just saying that I don’t think there’s much more than liking going on.
Emma: (raises eyebrow)
Shane: What?
Emma: I think you underestimate them.
Shane: So I did miss something.
Emma: I think she’s being cautious –
Shane: How uncharacteristic.
Emma: Don’t be a shit – she explained the holiday romance well. I thought she was candid without being superficial.
Shane: It was wince-inducing.
Emma: Just cos you’re all closed up about that sort of thing.
Shane: What sort of thing?
Emma: Hmm, like any mention of past relationships?
Shane: That holiday ‘romance’ was no more a relationship than…
Emma: Than what?
Shane: Than… Actually, forget that – what do you want to hear about my past relationships?
Emma: Nothing.
Shane: Then, you should be perfectly happy.
Emma: You’re wilfully misunderstanding me now.
Shane: No, I’m just not getting your point.
Emma: Are you trying to turn this into an argument?
Shane: No, but it would appear that we’re heading in that direction.
Emma: Well when you’ve finished eating that, be sure to throw the plate at yourself.
Shane: Ok, will do.
Emma: My point!... Is that I think they’re feeling each other out.
Shane: Not with the weekend’s sleeping arrangements they weren’t.
Emma: (unimpressed 'look') I think it goes for Ken too.
Shane: I think you’re wrong. I think he thinks he likes her, and that he finds her interesting and a bit enigmatic, but that’s it.
Emma: She's ‘seriously attractive’.
Shane: Are you quoting?
Emma: He may have mentioned something of that nature… for me to not-so-accidentally pass-on.
Shane: The arse! I assume you haven’t ‘passed it on’.
Emma: Not directly.
Shane: (pause, thinking) No – I’m not getting involved in passing love notes between anyone.
Emma: No, you clown, I mentioned it to Lily.
Shane: Oh. And?
Emma: She smiled.
Shane: And?
Emma: She has hopes for them. She thinks Ken would be good for Ellie, and we all saw that he seemed to get on well with Ryan.
Shane: Bloody hell – that sounds a bit thought-through.
Emma: Mm, not a bad thing.
Shane: No, no. (pause) Should I warn Ken of this… thinking?
Emma: Just remind him that there’s a kid involved.
Shane: Mm.
Emma: And for what it’s worth – possibly a lot, Lily is ‘one hundred per cent sure’ that Ellie would say ‘yes’ to him asking her out on a date.
Shane: A date - bit old-fashioned, isn’t it.
Emma: (shrugs) Maybe. But I had a feeling that Lily was speaking for Ellie.
Shane: Oh, right. (pause) Oh right-.
Emma: Mm.
Shane: So he’s in then.
Emma: It would appear that we’re heading in that direction.
I have chosen to not pass the details of this conversation to Ken. On this occasion, with a child-shaped addition to the equation, I think it’s important that my favourite oaf (and Ellie) show that they can determine their own pathway/s without the need for intervention.
I have faith in them... No really, I do.
Now, with an ache, I am off to bed… biking injury:
Alex: (looking down unfeasibly steep slope) Go on, Shane, you can make it if you go sideways a bit.
Had a go. Failed. It hurt. . . .
Also my fear for Ellie/Ryan/Ken.
Emma: You haven’t said much about the weekend.
Shane: Did I miss something?
Emma: No, but I thought you’d be scrutinising Ken and Ellie, what with their…
Shane: With their…?
Emma: Well, she clearly likes him.
Shane: I like him.
Emma: (pause) You trying to tell me something?
Shane: No. I’m just saying that I don’t think there’s much more than liking going on.
Emma: (raises eyebrow)
Shane: What?
Emma: I think you underestimate them.
Shane: So I did miss something.
Emma: I think she’s being cautious –
Shane: How uncharacteristic.
Emma: Don’t be a shit – she explained the holiday romance well. I thought she was candid without being superficial.
Shane: It was wince-inducing.
Emma: Just cos you’re all closed up about that sort of thing.
Shane: What sort of thing?
Emma: Hmm, like any mention of past relationships?
Shane: That holiday ‘romance’ was no more a relationship than…
Emma: Than what?
Shane: Than… Actually, forget that – what do you want to hear about my past relationships?
Emma: Nothing.
Shane: Then, you should be perfectly happy.
Emma: You’re wilfully misunderstanding me now.
Shane: No, I’m just not getting your point.
Emma: Are you trying to turn this into an argument?
Shane: No, but it would appear that we’re heading in that direction.
Emma: Well when you’ve finished eating that, be sure to throw the plate at yourself.
Shane: Ok, will do.
Emma: My point!... Is that I think they’re feeling each other out.
Shane: Not with the weekend’s sleeping arrangements they weren’t.
Emma: (unimpressed 'look') I think it goes for Ken too.
Shane: I think you’re wrong. I think he thinks he likes her, and that he finds her interesting and a bit enigmatic, but that’s it.
Emma: She's ‘seriously attractive’.
Shane: Are you quoting?
Emma: He may have mentioned something of that nature… for me to not-so-accidentally pass-on.
Shane: The arse! I assume you haven’t ‘passed it on’.
Emma: Not directly.
Shane: (pause, thinking) No – I’m not getting involved in passing love notes between anyone.
Emma: No, you clown, I mentioned it to Lily.
Shane: Oh. And?
Emma: She smiled.
Shane: And?
Emma: She has hopes for them. She thinks Ken would be good for Ellie, and we all saw that he seemed to get on well with Ryan.
Shane: Bloody hell – that sounds a bit thought-through.
Emma: Mm, not a bad thing.
Shane: No, no. (pause) Should I warn Ken of this… thinking?
Emma: Just remind him that there’s a kid involved.
Shane: Mm.
Emma: And for what it’s worth – possibly a lot, Lily is ‘one hundred per cent sure’ that Ellie would say ‘yes’ to him asking her out on a date.
Shane: A date - bit old-fashioned, isn’t it.
Emma: (shrugs) Maybe. But I had a feeling that Lily was speaking for Ellie.
Shane: Oh, right. (pause) Oh right-.
Emma: Mm.
Shane: So he’s in then.
Emma: It would appear that we’re heading in that direction.
I have chosen to not pass the details of this conversation to Ken. On this occasion, with a child-shaped addition to the equation, I think it’s important that my favourite oaf (and Ellie) show that they can determine their own pathway/s without the need for intervention.
I have faith in them... No really, I do.
Now, with an ache, I am off to bed… biking injury:
Alex: (looking down unfeasibly steep slope) Go on, Shane, you can make it if you go sideways a bit.
Had a go. Failed. It hurt. . . .
Also my fear for Ellie/Ryan/Ken.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Armada
Sometimes, you’re actually behind when you think you’re ahead:
Shane: Ken’s coming up next weekend.
Emma: Yeah – Lily said he might.
Shane: Lily said he might?
Emma: Yeah – she’s visiting too. I told her that she could bring her sister and the boy, if she liked. Alex can entertain him.
Shane: Wh-
Emma: She jumped at the idea – ‘Summer Holidays Effect’ – glad to get out of the house and all that.
Shane: But, I thought the sister lived in Cambridge?
Emma: Why should that be a problem – three hours maximum – travel at the right time of day and they might even blitz it in two and a half. They can all have the bunks in Alex’ room, Alex can come in with us, and Ken can have the sofa-bed – sorted!
Shane: (pause) Sorted.
Emma: Has he seen any more of, er, Ellie?
Shane: Mm?
Emma: Ken – has he seen any more of Ellie since her trip?
Shane: Er, no, I don’t think so. But they do email and do stuff through Facebook.
Emma: Of course they do – ye-es, she’s listed as one of his friends. I knew I’d seen the name somewhere.
Shane: Mm.
Emma: You alright?
Shane: I think so.
Emma: You’re awfully quiet.
Shane: Mm. I… I just have the feeling that I’m missing something.
Emma: What do you mean?
Shane: The mass landing all of a sudden – it’s all a bit… sudden. And how come I’m the last to find out that it’s all happening?
Emma: You’ve been busy. You just get your work done and look forward to the weekend – it’ll be good.
Shane: Mm.
I have mixed feelings about next weekend. It seems completely obvious that something is afoot - something that features the old romantic himself, not to mention a desirable young woman... oh, mon dieu.
Shane: Ken’s coming up next weekend.
Emma: Yeah – Lily said he might.
Shane: Lily said he might?
Emma: Yeah – she’s visiting too. I told her that she could bring her sister and the boy, if she liked. Alex can entertain him.
Shane: Wh-
Emma: She jumped at the idea – ‘Summer Holidays Effect’ – glad to get out of the house and all that.
Shane: But, I thought the sister lived in Cambridge?
Emma: Why should that be a problem – three hours maximum – travel at the right time of day and they might even blitz it in two and a half. They can all have the bunks in Alex’ room, Alex can come in with us, and Ken can have the sofa-bed – sorted!
Shane: (pause) Sorted.
Emma: Has he seen any more of, er, Ellie?
Shane: Mm?
Emma: Ken – has he seen any more of Ellie since her trip?
Shane: Er, no, I don’t think so. But they do email and do stuff through Facebook.
Emma: Of course they do – ye-es, she’s listed as one of his friends. I knew I’d seen the name somewhere.
Shane: Mm.
Emma: You alright?
Shane: I think so.
Emma: You’re awfully quiet.
Shane: Mm. I… I just have the feeling that I’m missing something.
Emma: What do you mean?
Shane: The mass landing all of a sudden – it’s all a bit… sudden. And how come I’m the last to find out that it’s all happening?
Emma: You’ve been busy. You just get your work done and look forward to the weekend – it’ll be good.
Shane: Mm.
I have mixed feelings about next weekend. It seems completely obvious that something is afoot - something that features the old romantic himself, not to mention a desirable young woman... oh, mon dieu.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Screwed
On Saturday, Ken met Ellie. Ellie met Ken. They met. Each other.
On the phone:
…
Shane: So, tell me what happened.
Ken: Hmm, where to begin –
Shane: (quietly) Oh-
Ken: We met in the centre of MK, to get lunch at Waga’s –
Shane: Good - jealous already.
Ken: Yeah, it was good actually. I was just locking the car on the boulevard - outside the shops - when she came over and prodded me – she’d seen me and the green Beetle on Facebook.
Shane: She ‘prodded’ you – bit intimate for a first meeting isn’t it?
Ken: It meant that the first words I spoke to her face-to-face – or back-to-face – were ‘what the fuck’.
Shane: (amused) Classy.
Ken: Yeah. We small-talked our way into eating and drinking and left after about… an hour and a half.
Shane: Relaxed throughout?
Ken: Yeah, definitely. It was a bit odd – I made a joke about being a teenager when I last went on a blind date – bit risky, but I got away with it – she just laughed and started bombarding me about real dates and relationships, and how I got to be doing what I’m doing. (pause) In fact, for a while, she reminded me of you.
Shane: (pause) Laughter, blind dates and relationship talk, and she reminded you of… me.
Ken: She asked a lot of questions.
Shane: Ah. Right.
Ken: Mm. I was selective. She seemed to delight at my various relationship debacles.
Shane: As would we all, Kenneth.
Ken: Mm, but I didn’t hammer home the ‘don’t do distant relationships’ point, though I said enough to suggest the once burned et cetera et cetera thing.
Shane: Mm.
Ken: Seemed appropriate.
Shane: Yeah – definitely, I’m sure you did good. (pause) Did, er… do you think that she might have –
Ken: I wondered what she was making of me – but I made such an arse of myself – bit too self-deprecating - that I assumed she thought I was alright, but a bit of an arse.
Shane: ‘Oaf’.
Ken: If you like.
Shane: Sounds like it was good though.
Ken: It was.
Shane: Good.
Ken: Then we went back to mine – or my parents’ –
Shane: Whoaaaaa –
Ken: She said she felt tipsy after sharing the wine –
Shane: And you took that to be ‘Green light – let’s get dirty’ – you whorey Ken!
Ken: (amused) I was doing her a favour – she couldn’t drive back.
Shane: (squirming) Urrrrrgggghhh.
Ken: It was quite dirty, actually - dirtier than I imagined it would be.
Shane: Oh fucking hell – I wasn’t… you weren’t… I wasn’t after that kind of - oh Jesus - ‘intervention’… I thought you were just gonna wax lyrical and talk to her –
Ken: We walked the dogs out across the fields and round the lake – it was filthy.
Shane: (silent)
Ken: Walked for just over an hour, got back to the house, hosed down the dogs and wellies, and we… we… what did we do, Shane? We…
Shane: Very funny.
Ken: We had mad passionate sex all over the hou-
Shane: Noooooooo-.
Ken: (pause) No, actually, we didn’t.
Shane: Oh.
Ken: You shouldn’t be so quick to assume. If she’d have made any move I’d have probably gone along with it, but as it was it was just, y’ know, it was good, but it wouldn’t have felt right to… try anything.
Shane: Saint Kenneth?
Ken: (amused) Perhaps.
Shane: So you just walked dogs.
Ken: Yeah, and showed her the house, then we sat on the first floor decking –
Shane: ‘Balcony’.
Ken: - under the shade, and drank coffee as it began to rain. We were there for close to two hours. Just talking – mostly her – it was good. (pause) Mind, I couldn’t do that sort of thing every Saturday – far too big a ‘falling in love’ chasm to be stumbling into. She is gorgeous, and a bit witty and clever –
Shane: Like wot we like.
Ken: Just like wot we like.
Shane: Mm. (pause) Perversely, quite perversely, Kenneth, you describe one of the most romantic scenarios that I’ve heard in ages.
Ken: Mm. I have to confess, I did think about inviting her to stay - but I didn’t! Took her back to her car at half seven, said goodbye and good luck. Saturday over.
Shane: Will you be talking to Lily?
Ken: Reporting back, you mean?
Shane: You shame us.
Ken: I sent her a short email earlier – just said I don’t think you’ve got too much to worry about. I thought Ellie seemed to have her head screwed on. I also got the feeling that she knows that the Turkish thing has got a fairly short shelf-life.
Shane: Top man, Kenneth. If you’re right that counts as a star performance.
Ken: Mm.
Shane: What?
Ken: What?
Shane: You sound a bit flat.
Ken: Oh. Just... worn out.
Shane: (pause) Kenneth?
Ken: Nothing happened – honest.
Shane: Mm, good boy.
Ken: (pause) Except -
Shane: ‘Except!’ ‘Except!’ What is this ‘except’ of which you speak? I was quite happy with ‘Nothing happened’.
Ken: (silent)
Shane: Well?
Ken: Well, it was when I dropped her off. (pause) There was like a moment of quiet awkwardness as I – as we – said, y’ know, ‘goodbye’. And er, she just leaned across, patted my leg and sort of gave me a peck.
Shane: (pause) Maybe best not read too much into that?
Ken: Mm, maybe. (pause) But it was while I was facing her, so it was… on the lips sort of thing, and… it seemed longer than a ‘peck’ peck.
Shane: ‘Peck’ peck?
Ken: It seemed more of a ‘kiss’… peck.
Shane: (pause) Innocent affection and all that – wouldn’t give it much more –
Ken: And she closed her eyes and… it’ll sound a bit strange –
Shane: What?
Ken: Well, she seemed to, er… ‘make a bit of a noise’.
Shane: What?!
Ken: A kind of… I thought it was… it sounded like a quiet groan – or ‘moan’.
Shane: Fucking hell, Kenneth! What happened to ‘nothing happened’?
Ken: I might be completely wrong, but for a split-second I think we both thought that we were gonna snog.
Shane: But you didn’t?
Ken: (pause) No, we didn’t. (pause) Maybe I – we – should have.
Presently, Ellie is en route to Turkey. Ken is in London.
On the phone:
…
Shane: So, tell me what happened.
Ken: Hmm, where to begin –
Shane: (quietly) Oh-
Ken: We met in the centre of MK, to get lunch at Waga’s –
Shane: Good - jealous already.
Ken: Yeah, it was good actually. I was just locking the car on the boulevard - outside the shops - when she came over and prodded me – she’d seen me and the green Beetle on Facebook.
Shane: She ‘prodded’ you – bit intimate for a first meeting isn’t it?
Ken: It meant that the first words I spoke to her face-to-face – or back-to-face – were ‘what the fuck’.
Shane: (amused) Classy.
Ken: Yeah. We small-talked our way into eating and drinking and left after about… an hour and a half.
Shane: Relaxed throughout?
Ken: Yeah, definitely. It was a bit odd – I made a joke about being a teenager when I last went on a blind date – bit risky, but I got away with it – she just laughed and started bombarding me about real dates and relationships, and how I got to be doing what I’m doing. (pause) In fact, for a while, she reminded me of you.
Shane: (pause) Laughter, blind dates and relationship talk, and she reminded you of… me.
Ken: She asked a lot of questions.
Shane: Ah. Right.
Ken: Mm. I was selective. She seemed to delight at my various relationship debacles.
Shane: As would we all, Kenneth.
Ken: Mm, but I didn’t hammer home the ‘don’t do distant relationships’ point, though I said enough to suggest the once burned et cetera et cetera thing.
Shane: Mm.
Ken: Seemed appropriate.
Shane: Yeah – definitely, I’m sure you did good. (pause) Did, er… do you think that she might have –
Ken: I wondered what she was making of me – but I made such an arse of myself – bit too self-deprecating - that I assumed she thought I was alright, but a bit of an arse.
Shane: ‘Oaf’.
Ken: If you like.
Shane: Sounds like it was good though.
Ken: It was.
Shane: Good.
Ken: Then we went back to mine – or my parents’ –
Shane: Whoaaaaa –
Ken: She said she felt tipsy after sharing the wine –
Shane: And you took that to be ‘Green light – let’s get dirty’ – you whorey Ken!
Ken: (amused) I was doing her a favour – she couldn’t drive back.
Shane: (squirming) Urrrrrgggghhh.
Ken: It was quite dirty, actually - dirtier than I imagined it would be.
Shane: Oh fucking hell – I wasn’t… you weren’t… I wasn’t after that kind of - oh Jesus - ‘intervention’… I thought you were just gonna wax lyrical and talk to her –
Ken: We walked the dogs out across the fields and round the lake – it was filthy.
Shane: (silent)
Ken: Walked for just over an hour, got back to the house, hosed down the dogs and wellies, and we… we… what did we do, Shane? We…
Shane: Very funny.
Ken: We had mad passionate sex all over the hou-
Shane: Noooooooo-.
Ken: (pause) No, actually, we didn’t.
Shane: Oh.
Ken: You shouldn’t be so quick to assume. If she’d have made any move I’d have probably gone along with it, but as it was it was just, y’ know, it was good, but it wouldn’t have felt right to… try anything.
Shane: Saint Kenneth?
Ken: (amused) Perhaps.
Shane: So you just walked dogs.
Ken: Yeah, and showed her the house, then we sat on the first floor decking –
Shane: ‘Balcony’.
Ken: - under the shade, and drank coffee as it began to rain. We were there for close to two hours. Just talking – mostly her – it was good. (pause) Mind, I couldn’t do that sort of thing every Saturday – far too big a ‘falling in love’ chasm to be stumbling into. She is gorgeous, and a bit witty and clever –
Shane: Like wot we like.
Ken: Just like wot we like.
Shane: Mm. (pause) Perversely, quite perversely, Kenneth, you describe one of the most romantic scenarios that I’ve heard in ages.
Ken: Mm. I have to confess, I did think about inviting her to stay - but I didn’t! Took her back to her car at half seven, said goodbye and good luck. Saturday over.
Shane: Will you be talking to Lily?
Ken: Reporting back, you mean?
Shane: You shame us.
Ken: I sent her a short email earlier – just said I don’t think you’ve got too much to worry about. I thought Ellie seemed to have her head screwed on. I also got the feeling that she knows that the Turkish thing has got a fairly short shelf-life.
Shane: Top man, Kenneth. If you’re right that counts as a star performance.
Ken: Mm.
Shane: What?
Ken: What?
Shane: You sound a bit flat.
Ken: Oh. Just... worn out.
Shane: (pause) Kenneth?
Ken: Nothing happened – honest.
Shane: Mm, good boy.
Ken: (pause) Except -
Shane: ‘Except!’ ‘Except!’ What is this ‘except’ of which you speak? I was quite happy with ‘Nothing happened’.
Ken: (silent)
Shane: Well?
Ken: Well, it was when I dropped her off. (pause) There was like a moment of quiet awkwardness as I – as we – said, y’ know, ‘goodbye’. And er, she just leaned across, patted my leg and sort of gave me a peck.
Shane: (pause) Maybe best not read too much into that?
Ken: Mm, maybe. (pause) But it was while I was facing her, so it was… on the lips sort of thing, and… it seemed longer than a ‘peck’ peck.
Shane: ‘Peck’ peck?
Ken: It seemed more of a ‘kiss’… peck.
Shane: (pause) Innocent affection and all that – wouldn’t give it much more –
Ken: And she closed her eyes and… it’ll sound a bit strange –
Shane: What?
Ken: Well, she seemed to, er… ‘make a bit of a noise’.
Shane: What?!
Ken: A kind of… I thought it was… it sounded like a quiet groan – or ‘moan’.
Shane: Fucking hell, Kenneth! What happened to ‘nothing happened’?
Ken: I might be completely wrong, but for a split-second I think we both thought that we were gonna snog.
Shane: But you didn’t?
Ken: (pause) No, we didn’t. (pause) Maybe I – we – should have.
Presently, Ellie is en route to Turkey. Ken is in London.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Unleashed
At work, I hear a lot about ‘risk-taking’. Version 1: the stupid decisions that youngsters make that lead to their imprisonment. Version 2: those initiatives that seek to encourage dull-witted ‘professionals’ to think and behave differently.
Shane: Lily said you talked at the weekend.
Ken: Weekend? Ye-es… Oh yes – Lily – weekend – yes, we did talk – about her sister and stuff – she seemed cool.
Shane: Yeah, she is. I don’t know her sister so well.
Ken: Ellie?
Shane: Mm.
Ken: She’s cool too.
Shane: Mm-hm?
Ken: (pause) What?
Shane: You talked to Ellie? Like you said you would?
Ken: Yeah, Lily fixed it up, actually no – we fixed it up - my plan, she went along with it… not that I’d be possessive about that sort of thing you understand.
Shane: No, of course not. (pause) So, Ellie – how was she, what impact did you have, is she processing the whole Turkish lover thing with a bit of a… with a dose of reality now?
Ken: Mm, hard to say really. On the whole, I’d say… I had no significant impact - she still thinks she’s in love and that the Turk is her knight in sun-lotioning armour.
Shane: (head-shakingly) So no impact at all then?
Ken: I wouldn’t put it quite like that.
Shane: (silent)
Ken: (lightly clears throat)
Shane: Okay, no need for the ‘man of mystery’ routine – what happened, what did you talk about, did you in any way refer to her having her head in the clouds, taking advantage of her mother and not really playing the part of ‘responsible mother’ so well?
Ken: (pause) Hard day at the office?
Shane: Kenneth.
Ken: I told her it’d be a highly informal chat – which it was - very loose references to relationships research stuff –
Shane: Mm-hm.
Ken: - and so I asked a few questions and she did the starry-eyed thing –
Shane: (shaking head, quietly) Not good.
Ken: Ah! But! Then, I probed the closer-to-home stuff – her kid, earning a living, the fundamentals – she became more vague - as Lily predicted on Saturday.
Shane: (pause) Okay-. It’s a partial commentary. And?
Ken: My assessment… is… that Ellie is… - wait for it - … she is… bored.
Shane: (uninspired) And lonely?
Ken: Mm, not necessarily, but it is straight forward – work is dull, she’s feeling like her life is not her own, but then she feels attractive and youthful in the presence of lover-boy – it’s, y’ know, straight forward.
Shane: Ri-ight, so what do you suggest?
Ken: I have a plan – it’s a bit rough around the edges, but it’s a plan nonetheless.
Shane: (pause) More forthcoming, Kenneth, more forthcoming.
Ken: She’s very fit, y’ know – have you ever met her?
Shane: Er, briefly, quite a while ago – she was harassed and in a hurry – I remember a streak of blonde hair and er-... - hold on a minute – how do you know she’s ‘fit’? I presume we’re talking ‘good-looking’?
Ken: Very good-looking actually – in fact, this holiday romance has done wonders for -… (amused) whoops! Sorry – wrong thing to say.
Shane: ‘Fit’?
Ken: After we talked, I emailed a bit of background on my research – the real stuff – an old document, though she wouldn’t know - and a few references. Not long after that, she Facebooked me!
Shane: Uh?
Ken: We are now ‘friends’.
Shane: Och. You as well -
Ken: Emma’s on Facebook – why aren’t you?
Shane: I haven’t got the time, nor the desire. I’m sure your Facebook friendship is all very sweet, but I’m not sure how useful it is.
Ken: (pause) I’m going to meet her.
Shane: Eh?
Ken: Ellie – I’m going to meet her.
Shane: When?
Ken: (pause) Saturday.
Shane: (surprised) That sounds… inconvenient.
Ken: Far from it. She’s staying with friends near Milton Keynes over the weekend - before pissing off from Luton to Turkey again, on Monday.
Shane: That’s, er -
Ken: The kid is with his Dad over the weekend – you know how these things work.
Shane: Ye-es.
Ken: I’m quite looking forward to it really.
Shane: (a bit perplexed) I’m… a bit perplexed. You’d never heard of her until, like, five minutes ago, and now you’re meeting up at the weekend?
Ken: It’s not that odd – she’d mentioned that she’d be at a loose end for much of Saturday – her friends are working, I’ll be based at my folks’ house - looking after the dogs. It’ll be all very casual.
Shane: (pause) You’re flirting with her?
Ken: (silently smiling) Outrageously so, Shane.
Shane: Is that it?
Ken: (amused) Who knows.
Shane: Do not upset her – I don’t want to incur the wrath of her sister or mother.
Ken: Trust me – I know what I’m doing.
Shane: (reluctantly) So what has Saturday got in store for you – both – then?
Ken: I don’t know yet. Like I said, the plan is a bit rough around the edges – but I’m working on it. (pause) Any ideas?
Shane: (pause) No. This is your… doing.
Though I can’t quite put my finger on it, I sense risk-taking.
I will talk to Ken on Sunday evening.
Shane: Lily said you talked at the weekend.
Ken: Weekend? Ye-es… Oh yes – Lily – weekend – yes, we did talk – about her sister and stuff – she seemed cool.
Shane: Yeah, she is. I don’t know her sister so well.
Ken: Ellie?
Shane: Mm.
Ken: She’s cool too.
Shane: Mm-hm?
Ken: (pause) What?
Shane: You talked to Ellie? Like you said you would?
Ken: Yeah, Lily fixed it up, actually no – we fixed it up - my plan, she went along with it… not that I’d be possessive about that sort of thing you understand.
Shane: No, of course not. (pause) So, Ellie – how was she, what impact did you have, is she processing the whole Turkish lover thing with a bit of a… with a dose of reality now?
Ken: Mm, hard to say really. On the whole, I’d say… I had no significant impact - she still thinks she’s in love and that the Turk is her knight in sun-lotioning armour.
Shane: (head-shakingly) So no impact at all then?
Ken: I wouldn’t put it quite like that.
Shane: (silent)
Ken: (lightly clears throat)
Shane: Okay, no need for the ‘man of mystery’ routine – what happened, what did you talk about, did you in any way refer to her having her head in the clouds, taking advantage of her mother and not really playing the part of ‘responsible mother’ so well?
Ken: (pause) Hard day at the office?
Shane: Kenneth.
Ken: I told her it’d be a highly informal chat – which it was - very loose references to relationships research stuff –
Shane: Mm-hm.
Ken: - and so I asked a few questions and she did the starry-eyed thing –
Shane: (shaking head, quietly) Not good.
Ken: Ah! But! Then, I probed the closer-to-home stuff – her kid, earning a living, the fundamentals – she became more vague - as Lily predicted on Saturday.
Shane: (pause) Okay-. It’s a partial commentary. And?
Ken: My assessment… is… that Ellie is… - wait for it - … she is… bored.
Shane: (uninspired) And lonely?
Ken: Mm, not necessarily, but it is straight forward – work is dull, she’s feeling like her life is not her own, but then she feels attractive and youthful in the presence of lover-boy – it’s, y’ know, straight forward.
Shane: Ri-ight, so what do you suggest?
Ken: I have a plan – it’s a bit rough around the edges, but it’s a plan nonetheless.
Shane: (pause) More forthcoming, Kenneth, more forthcoming.
Ken: She’s very fit, y’ know – have you ever met her?
Shane: Er, briefly, quite a while ago – she was harassed and in a hurry – I remember a streak of blonde hair and er-... - hold on a minute – how do you know she’s ‘fit’? I presume we’re talking ‘good-looking’?
Ken: Very good-looking actually – in fact, this holiday romance has done wonders for -… (amused) whoops! Sorry – wrong thing to say.
Shane: ‘Fit’?
Ken: After we talked, I emailed a bit of background on my research – the real stuff – an old document, though she wouldn’t know - and a few references. Not long after that, she Facebooked me!
Shane: Uh?
Ken: We are now ‘friends’.
Shane: Och. You as well -
Ken: Emma’s on Facebook – why aren’t you?
Shane: I haven’t got the time, nor the desire. I’m sure your Facebook friendship is all very sweet, but I’m not sure how useful it is.
Ken: (pause) I’m going to meet her.
Shane: Eh?
Ken: Ellie – I’m going to meet her.
Shane: When?
Ken: (pause) Saturday.
Shane: (surprised) That sounds… inconvenient.
Ken: Far from it. She’s staying with friends near Milton Keynes over the weekend - before pissing off from Luton to Turkey again, on Monday.
Shane: That’s, er -
Ken: The kid is with his Dad over the weekend – you know how these things work.
Shane: Ye-es.
Ken: I’m quite looking forward to it really.
Shane: (a bit perplexed) I’m… a bit perplexed. You’d never heard of her until, like, five minutes ago, and now you’re meeting up at the weekend?
Ken: It’s not that odd – she’d mentioned that she’d be at a loose end for much of Saturday – her friends are working, I’ll be based at my folks’ house - looking after the dogs. It’ll be all very casual.
Shane: (pause) You’re flirting with her?
Ken: (silently smiling) Outrageously so, Shane.
Shane: Is that it?
Ken: (amused) Who knows.
Shane: Do not upset her – I don’t want to incur the wrath of her sister or mother.
Ken: Trust me – I know what I’m doing.
Shane: (reluctantly) So what has Saturday got in store for you – both – then?
Ken: I don’t know yet. Like I said, the plan is a bit rough around the edges – but I’m working on it. (pause) Any ideas?
Shane: (pause) No. This is your… doing.
Though I can’t quite put my finger on it, I sense risk-taking.
I will talk to Ken on Sunday evening.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Happens
It has been suggested that a genial wheel has been set in motion.
Time-stamped ‘Saturday 30 June, 17:41’, copied and pasted from an email from Lily:
Subject: Re: Kennish Delight?
Shane,
[...]
And the big news!...
Emailed Ken like you said and we talked earlier for half an hour… what a star!... Is he single?! Actually let’s not go there… not yet anyway. I’ve given him Ellie’s details and he’s gonna call her Monday. I’ve got to tell her he’s a friend of mine (Shane’s been dropped ha ha! :)) and he’s doing research on ‘long-distance relationships’… genius or what eh! She’ll definately go for it but it makes me feel like a dirty spy... oh well shit happens right :)
Thank you thank you!
L.x
(sic)
I shall talk to the interventionist force that is Ken (‘genius or what’), after Monday.
I’m erring on the side of ‘what’.
Time-stamped ‘Saturday 30 June, 17:41’, copied and pasted from an email from Lily:
Subject: Re: Kennish Delight?
Shane,
[...]
And the big news!...
Emailed Ken like you said and we talked earlier for half an hour… what a star!... Is he single?! Actually let’s not go there… not yet anyway. I’ve given him Ellie’s details and he’s gonna call her Monday. I’ve got to tell her he’s a friend of mine (Shane’s been dropped ha ha! :)) and he’s doing research on ‘long-distance relationships’… genius or what eh! She’ll definately go for it but it makes me feel like a dirty spy... oh well shit happens right :)
Thank you thank you!
L.x
(sic)
I shall talk to the interventionist force that is Ken (‘genius or what’), after Monday.
I’m erring on the side of ‘what’.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Meddling
The question is ‘Could Kenneth really be the solution to a growing international incident?’
On the phone:
…
Shane: It’s a bit odd, Kenneth, I was just thinking about you the other day.
Ken: ‘Just’ the other day?
Shane: Mm, in relation to the fall-out with your Belgian acquaintance to be precise.
Ken: Unhappy times.
Shane: Well, yes, but let’s not dwell. Emma and I have another friend – or sister thereof – who’s been having something of a troubling international relationship –
Ken: I don’t recommend them.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: ‘Troubling international relationships’ – I wouldn’t bother.
Shane: Er, yes, thank you for that – duly noted – ‘Kenneth does not recommend… troubling… international… relationships’.
Ken: What were you saying?
Shane: We’ve been hearing of a young woman who’s rather departed reality -
Ken: I didn't depart reality!
Shane: No, no - not that that matters now of course, but this girl - this woman - has become a little wayward vis-à-vis a holiday-romance-shaped boyfriend in Turkey and the not-so-small matter of having a being-a-mother-with-responsibilities-shaped life in England.
Ken: (pause) Tricky.
Shane: Mm.
Ken: (pause) How old is-are the kids?
Shane: There’s only one – and he’s young.
Ken: (sighs) How long’s the romance been going on?
Shane: About six months, inclusive of three briefish child-free trips to Turkey.
Ken: (pause) Is she – the English bird - serious?
Shane: Part of her wants to think she is.
Ken: Which part?
Shane: I don’t know her well enough to say.
Ken: Where does she live?
Shane: Cambridge area, I think.
Ken: Find a way of introducing us.
Shane: Quoi?
Ken: Introduce us.
Shane: Pourquoi?
Ken: I’ll be able to help her.
Shane: I’m sure she doesn’t see herself as needing help right now.
Ken: Get her email address, forward it to me, and let me talk to her – she’ll soon realise that she needs help.
Shane: (silence)
Ken: You still there?
Shane: Oh, sorry – yes. ‘She’ll soon realise that she needs help’ – quite, quite, profound Kenneth, quite profound.
Ken: Thanks.
Shane: You’re welcome.
I have raised this suggestion with Lily (the put-upon sister of the starry-eyed mother). As I await a response, I have a feeling that so long as a plausible ruse can be contrived for Kenneth getting in touch with Ellie (the Turk-lover), that his input – desperate times and all that - will be welcomed.
Let us all hold hands and gulp together.
On the phone:
…
Shane: It’s a bit odd, Kenneth, I was just thinking about you the other day.
Ken: ‘Just’ the other day?
Shane: Mm, in relation to the fall-out with your Belgian acquaintance to be precise.
Ken: Unhappy times.
Shane: Well, yes, but let’s not dwell. Emma and I have another friend – or sister thereof – who’s been having something of a troubling international relationship –
Ken: I don’t recommend them.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: ‘Troubling international relationships’ – I wouldn’t bother.
Shane: Er, yes, thank you for that – duly noted – ‘Kenneth does not recommend… troubling… international… relationships’.
Ken: What were you saying?
Shane: We’ve been hearing of a young woman who’s rather departed reality -
Ken: I didn't depart reality!
Shane: No, no - not that that matters now of course, but this girl - this woman - has become a little wayward vis-à-vis a holiday-romance-shaped boyfriend in Turkey and the not-so-small matter of having a being-a-mother-with-responsibilities-shaped life in England.
Ken: (pause) Tricky.
Shane: Mm.
Ken: (pause) How old is-are the kids?
Shane: There’s only one – and he’s young.
Ken: (sighs) How long’s the romance been going on?
Shane: About six months, inclusive of three briefish child-free trips to Turkey.
Ken: (pause) Is she – the English bird - serious?
Shane: Part of her wants to think she is.
Ken: Which part?
Shane: I don’t know her well enough to say.
Ken: Where does she live?
Shane: Cambridge area, I think.
Ken: Find a way of introducing us.
Shane: Quoi?
Ken: Introduce us.
Shane: Pourquoi?
Ken: I’ll be able to help her.
Shane: I’m sure she doesn’t see herself as needing help right now.
Ken: Get her email address, forward it to me, and let me talk to her – she’ll soon realise that she needs help.
Shane: (silence)
Ken: You still there?
Shane: Oh, sorry – yes. ‘She’ll soon realise that she needs help’ – quite, quite, profound Kenneth, quite profound.
Ken: Thanks.
Shane: You’re welcome.
I have raised this suggestion with Lily (the put-upon sister of the starry-eyed mother). As I await a response, I have a feeling that so long as a plausible ruse can be contrived for Kenneth getting in touch with Ellie (the Turk-lover), that his input – desperate times and all that - will be welcomed.
Let us all hold hands and gulp together.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Stainless
On the one occasion that I met Ken's Aunt Janice, we spoke of her writing articles for the local parish newsletter.
Shane: So what happened?
Ken: My mum and Aunt Janice were in the kitchen. I was sitting at the breakfast bar, checking emails. Janice was trying to persuade mum to go with her to buy a new carpet.
Shane: Is this one of your more dramatic stories?
Ken: It's 'particular' - just listen. Mum wanted to stay at home.
Shane: Ah - conflict, tension - very dramatic.
Ken: Stop being tedious.
Shane: Caaaaalm - deep breaths dear.
Ken: Well, far from it actually.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: One of Janice's female dogs - a 'popular pedigree' - had pissed on her carpet and made the house smell... like concentrated dog piss.
Shane: Not good.
Ken: Not good. Mum wanted to look into whether further pissing might occur -
Shane: I imagine it usually would.
Ken: - or whether there might be a cheaper way of removing the smell. Apparently, when a bitch is on heat it makes for noxious piss.
Shane: This is not an appetising story.
Ken: I left them with the laptop to search for advice. A few minutes later there was a shriek. I ran down to find mum looking rattled and panic-closing lots of pop-up adverts!
Shane: (silent pause) Am I being slow?
Ken: You are. Let's put it this way - there are some search engines for which veterinary and cleaning advice are not high on the hit-list for 'bitches on heat'.
Shane: Eh?... Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh!
Ken: Mm. Janice squeaked 'Did you see what they were doing? Did you see what they were doing?' as mum muttered swear words.
Shane: Triple-embarrassing.
Ken: And I can't be sure that my sainted aunt understood that what she'd come across was not down to the very particular orientation of my laptop. She later told me that I ought to 'get that thing fixed'.
Shane: Technology, eh?
Ken: (sigh) Mm.
I wondered whether Janice still wrote for the newsletter.
Shane: So what happened?
Ken: My mum and Aunt Janice were in the kitchen. I was sitting at the breakfast bar, checking emails. Janice was trying to persuade mum to go with her to buy a new carpet.
Shane: Is this one of your more dramatic stories?
Ken: It's 'particular' - just listen. Mum wanted to stay at home.
Shane: Ah - conflict, tension - very dramatic.
Ken: Stop being tedious.
Shane: Caaaaalm - deep breaths dear.
Ken: Well, far from it actually.
Shane: Mm?
Ken: One of Janice's female dogs - a 'popular pedigree' - had pissed on her carpet and made the house smell... like concentrated dog piss.
Shane: Not good.
Ken: Not good. Mum wanted to look into whether further pissing might occur -
Shane: I imagine it usually would.
Ken: - or whether there might be a cheaper way of removing the smell. Apparently, when a bitch is on heat it makes for noxious piss.
Shane: This is not an appetising story.
Ken: I left them with the laptop to search for advice. A few minutes later there was a shriek. I ran down to find mum looking rattled and panic-closing lots of pop-up adverts!
Shane: (silent pause) Am I being slow?
Ken: You are. Let's put it this way - there are some search engines for which veterinary and cleaning advice are not high on the hit-list for 'bitches on heat'.
Shane: Eh?... Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh!
Ken: Mm. Janice squeaked 'Did you see what they were doing? Did you see what they were doing?' as mum muttered swear words.
Shane: Triple-embarrassing.
Ken: And I can't be sure that my sainted aunt understood that what she'd come across was not down to the very particular orientation of my laptop. She later told me that I ought to 'get that thing fixed'.
Shane: Technology, eh?
Ken: (sigh) Mm.
I wondered whether Janice still wrote for the newsletter.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Off
I called Ken, in search of information.
Shane: I hear that you had a visit from the police.
Ken: Yeah - very strange - they thought I was a dog kidnapper. Dognapper? Is that a word?
Shane: Emma said you did kidnap a dog.
Ken: No I didn’t. That’s not what I said! Is that what she said?
Shane: That’s what she said.
Ken: She said that?
Shane: She said that.
Ken: Just, no! I took Caroline’s aunt’s dog for a walk – I was pissed off and… my former Belgian friend thought that I’d taken the mutt as some act of aggression.
Shane: Mm.
Ken: What do you mean, ‘Mm’?
Shane: Dog-walk to dognap – something of a dramatic twist there, perhaps.
Ken: I know! What kind of nutcase do you have to be to imagine that someone like me would do something like that? I mean, what?
Shane: So why did you take it?
Ken: I took it back! I just took it for a walk!
Shane: Yeah, sure, but why?
Ken: We were in some horrible leafy estate in a strange city, I thought I’d look less conspicuous walking the dog.
Shane: (restrained) Why would you have looked conspicuous?
Ken: There are some places where you just know you’re gonna stand out.
Shane: Ye-es, still, bit of a leap between dog-walk and police whatever.
Ken: Tell me about it - fuck knows what the Belgian bitch – forgive my French - had told them, but they sent some bloke down to ask me questions about ‘a string of animal thefts in the north Norfolk region’. I think he was from the Department of Clutching at Straws - it was ridiculous.
Shane: Yeah, sounds it. He came to the flat?
Ken: Yeah, landed at 9:30am last Friday. I was in my dressing gown –
Shane: Not the –
Ken: Yeah – the zebra print one.
Shane: An offence itself.
Ken: Jealous.
Shane: Or, in fact, not jealous at all.
Ken: Mm, anyway, it was all a bit novel.
Shane: No doubt about it. What, er, had you been arguing about?
Ken: (sighs dramatically)
Shane: You’re sighing dramatically.
Ken: Ye-es. Turns out she’s had an ‘on-off’ boyfriend since before I met her.
Shane: Ah, right. (Pause) And they, er -
Ken: They’d been ‘on’ the previous evening.
Shane: Oh dear.
Ken: Mm.
Shane: How was the dog?
Ken: Not well – it had diarrhoea – and there are some places where you just know you’re gonna stand out, if you’re a pissed-off bloke with a load of piercings and a dog that’s shitting for England - or Belgium.
It felt like an answer, of sorts.
Shane: I hear that you had a visit from the police.
Ken: Yeah - very strange - they thought I was a dog kidnapper. Dognapper? Is that a word?
Shane: Emma said you did kidnap a dog.
Ken: No I didn’t. That’s not what I said! Is that what she said?
Shane: That’s what she said.
Ken: She said that?
Shane: She said that.
Ken: Just, no! I took Caroline’s aunt’s dog for a walk – I was pissed off and… my former Belgian friend thought that I’d taken the mutt as some act of aggression.
Shane: Mm.
Ken: What do you mean, ‘Mm’?
Shane: Dog-walk to dognap – something of a dramatic twist there, perhaps.
Ken: I know! What kind of nutcase do you have to be to imagine that someone like me would do something like that? I mean, what?
Shane: So why did you take it?
Ken: I took it back! I just took it for a walk!
Shane: Yeah, sure, but why?
Ken: We were in some horrible leafy estate in a strange city, I thought I’d look less conspicuous walking the dog.
Shane: (restrained) Why would you have looked conspicuous?
Ken: There are some places where you just know you’re gonna stand out.
Shane: Ye-es, still, bit of a leap between dog-walk and police whatever.
Ken: Tell me about it - fuck knows what the Belgian bitch – forgive my French - had told them, but they sent some bloke down to ask me questions about ‘a string of animal thefts in the north Norfolk region’. I think he was from the Department of Clutching at Straws - it was ridiculous.
Shane: Yeah, sounds it. He came to the flat?
Ken: Yeah, landed at 9:30am last Friday. I was in my dressing gown –
Shane: Not the –
Ken: Yeah – the zebra print one.
Shane: An offence itself.
Ken: Jealous.
Shane: Or, in fact, not jealous at all.
Ken: Mm, anyway, it was all a bit novel.
Shane: No doubt about it. What, er, had you been arguing about?
Ken: (sighs dramatically)
Shane: You’re sighing dramatically.
Ken: Ye-es. Turns out she’s had an ‘on-off’ boyfriend since before I met her.
Shane: Ah, right. (Pause) And they, er -
Ken: They’d been ‘on’ the previous evening.
Shane: Oh dear.
Ken: Mm.
Shane: How was the dog?
Ken: Not well – it had diarrhoea – and there are some places where you just know you’re gonna stand out, if you’re a pissed-off bloke with a load of piercings and a dog that’s shitting for England - or Belgium.
It felt like an answer, of sorts.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Hounded
Alex’ bed-time sees us plough through three more chapters of Anthony Horowitz’ ‘Stormbreaker’ – the debut outing of Alex Rider (14 year old hero in the James Bond mould). I return to downstairs, where I find Emma with the cordless phone by her side. She passes it to me.
Emma: Ken called.
Shane: I’ll call him now.
Emma: He said to try him tomorrow – he’s gone to see a film.
Shane: Oh, right.
Emma: There’s something not quite right with him, y’ know.
Shane: I know, that’s why I like him.
Emma: He had a visit from the police.
Shane: What?
Emma: That Belgian girl reported him.
Shane: Why?
Emma: He stole her dog.
Shane: What?!
Emma: He met up with her in Norwich –
Shane: Why?
Emma: She was looking after some relative’s house and dog, she and he had an argument -
Shane: Wha-
Emma: I didn’t ask what it was about and stop interrupting. They had an argument and as he stormed off he picked up the dog lead, hooked the animal, and walked – took her an hour to notice, and, well, she reported it.
Shane: He kidnapped a dog?
Emma: I suppose. He took it back after a couple of hours, but it took her less time to report him.
Shane: But... if that was in Norwich, why would he get a visit from the police? Surely one Norfolk dog going missing for a couple of hours is hardly worth police visiting London?
Emma: It’s not ordinary behaviour though, is it?
Shane: Of course not, he’s Ken.
Emma: Ask him about it tomorrow.
Shane: I will.
This is the sort of thing that can happen when I leave Kenny to his own devices for too long. I already feel responsible. I'm a bad mother to that boy.
Emma: Ken called.
Shane: I’ll call him now.
Emma: He said to try him tomorrow – he’s gone to see a film.
Shane: Oh, right.
Emma: There’s something not quite right with him, y’ know.
Shane: I know, that’s why I like him.
Emma: He had a visit from the police.
Shane: What?
Emma: That Belgian girl reported him.
Shane: Why?
Emma: He stole her dog.
Shane: What?!
Emma: He met up with her in Norwich –
Shane: Why?
Emma: She was looking after some relative’s house and dog, she and he had an argument -
Shane: Wha-
Emma: I didn’t ask what it was about and stop interrupting. They had an argument and as he stormed off he picked up the dog lead, hooked the animal, and walked – took her an hour to notice, and, well, she reported it.
Shane: He kidnapped a dog?
Emma: I suppose. He took it back after a couple of hours, but it took her less time to report him.
Shane: But... if that was in Norwich, why would he get a visit from the police? Surely one Norfolk dog going missing for a couple of hours is hardly worth police visiting London?
Emma: It’s not ordinary behaviour though, is it?
Shane: Of course not, he’s Ken.
Emma: Ask him about it tomorrow.
Shane: I will.
This is the sort of thing that can happen when I leave Kenny to his own devices for too long. I already feel responsible. I'm a bad mother to that boy.
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