The question is ‘Could Kenneth really be the solution to a growing international incident?’
On the phone:
Shane: It’s a bit odd, Kenneth, I was just thinking about you the other day.
Ken: ‘Just’ the other day?
Shane: Mm, in relation to the fall-out with your Belgian acquaintance to be precise.
Ken: Unhappy times.
Shane: Well, yes, but let’s not dwell. Emma and I have another friend – or sister thereof – who’s been having something of a troubling international relationship –
Ken: I don’t recommend them.
Ken: ‘Troubling international relationships’ – I wouldn’t bother.
Shane: Er, yes, thank you for that – duly noted – ‘Kenneth does not recommend… troubling… international… relationships’.
Ken: What were you saying?
Shane: We’ve been hearing of a young woman who’s rather departed reality -
Ken: I didn't depart reality!
Shane: No, no - not that that matters now of course, but this girl - this woman - has become a little wayward vis-à-vis a holiday-romance-shaped boyfriend in Turkey and the not-so-small matter of having a being-a-mother-with-responsibilities-shaped life in England.
Ken: (pause) Tricky.
Ken: (pause) How old is-are the kids?
Shane: There’s only one – and he’s young.
Ken: (sighs) How long’s the romance been going on?
Shane: About six months, inclusive of three briefish child-free trips to Turkey.
Ken: (pause) Is she – the English bird - serious?
Shane: Part of her wants to think she is.
Ken: Which part?
Shane: I don’t know her well enough to say.
Ken: Where does she live?
Shane: Cambridge area, I think.
Ken: Find a way of introducing us.
Ken: Introduce us.
Ken: I’ll be able to help her.
Shane: I’m sure she doesn’t see herself as needing help right now.
Ken: Get her email address, forward it to me, and let me talk to her – she’ll soon realise that she needs help.
Ken: You still there?
Shane: Oh, sorry – yes. ‘She’ll soon realise that she needs help’ – quite, quite, profound Kenneth, quite profound.
Shane: You’re welcome.
I have raised this suggestion with Lily (the put-upon sister of the starry-eyed mother). As I await a response, I have a feeling that so long as a plausible ruse can be contrived for Kenneth getting in touch with Ellie (the Turk-lover), that his input – desperate times and all that - will be welcomed.
Let us all hold hands and gulp together.