Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Looking back as we filed out of the room, the artists seemed to have been left a little stunned, if not shaken, by their experience.

I turned to Ms Utterly Unflappable, who explained:

U.U.: I think they were disappointed.

Shane: Why?

U.U.: We found it too easy.

Shane: But it was playschool stuff.

U.U.: I know that, you know that, most of the others know that - but we were meant to be intimidated and closed. As professional artists, they would have reacted to our self consciousness by preaching about how they go about freeing up their imaginations in order to be creative. Thus, they would rescue us from our dry, grey, stagnant, dull-as-dishwater selves. Shiny Happy People all round.

Shane: Mm.

U.U.: We were too good. It left them with nothing much to say.

Shane: They’ll get over it.

U.U.: In time.

Shane: It’s a bit odd though, isn’t it. I mean, all we did was make models out of sugar cubes for nearly an hour.

U.U.: Shane! It was more than that! Didn’t you hear - we were devising small scale installations, inspired by the work of Turner Prize winning artist, Rachel Whiteread. What we most certainly were not doing was ‘making models out of sugar cubes’.

Shane: No, of course not.

U.U.: Your group had gusto - you had a good group.

Shane: Mm. The Cumbrian Two have to take credit for much of it – they were very funny.

U.U.: Probably good for them to give their sheep a break for a night or two.

Shane: Harsh.

U.U.: But true.

Shane: Harsh.

U.U.: Yes, you had the best group. Who’d have thought that a sugar cube Nigella Lawson could be so beautiful, yet challenging at the same time. (pause) Our’s was a much more sensitive affair.

Shane: I noticed.

U.U.: The Welsh Counsellor Woman was adamant that we focus on relationships, but it got rough – we had to explore issues – really raw stuff -

Shane: - the processed sugar.

U.U.: Mm. She got offended when PolicySpeak Bloke dropped a couple of lumps into his tea.

Shane: No doubt you intervened.

U.U.: I let them know that I thought the whole session was a cunting waste of public money [sic].

Shane: Discreet.

U.U.: Not really – the airier-fairier one overheard.

Shane: - which might part-explain why there’s at least one dishevelled-looking artist back there right now.

U.U.: (pause) You’ll find no shame here.

Shane: A fine line between sweet and sourpuss?

U.U.: At this time of the month - yes!


PI said...

I can't make out if UU was in sympathy with your levity or not.
I have to admit that white sugar is IMO totally evil. I'm wondering what happens to the cubes afterwards. There's bound to be some ancient crone who believes waste not want not. Ugh!

Shane said...

No, Pi, I think it was a case of waste them want none all round. Good point though. Still, could have been worse - at least it was a far cry from Jamie Oliver and his Channel 4 have you seen what they do to chickens malarky.